Dim and Dom discuss the U.K. Lockdown at Downing Street, in mid-March 2020 (Satire)

A transcript of a secret recording from inside Number 10 has just been leaked to the press. Our under-cover journalists can bring you this exclusive excerpt from the transcript:

“Shyster” Johnson (a.k.a. “Dim” to his friends): What we gonna do, Dom? There’s like people dying and shit!

Dominic Cummings (a.k.a. “Dom” to his pet fish): We’re gonna have to get all the plebs to stay at home, Dim.

Dim: won’t that be a real pain, Dom? I mean my ego is so big I can barely stand even my own company if I’m stuck at home. It will be hell being stuck in a house with that Symmonds bitch. She’s barking bonkers, Dom. I mean really barking… I’ll probably have smashed her skull in with a golf club before the end of a weekend.

Dom: Dim! Dim! Dim! Don’t worry, Dim! It’s just for the plebs. We don’t have to do it ourselves. We just tell everyone else to do it.

Dim: Ho! Ho! Hadn’t thought of that, Dom. That’ll be funny, won’t it?

Dom: Yes, Dim, it’ll be really funny!

Dim: Just one thing, though, Dom … will it work? … I mean just getting everyone else to do it, Dom, but not doing it ourselves?

Dom: Yeah, course it’ll work, Dim.

Dim: But what if they find out, Dom?

Dom: Find out! Ha! The British public find something out? They wouldn’t notice if I drove 260 miles to my Dad’s estate in Durham, had a family party, took my wife out for a Birthday trip to a local castle and then pissed in the face of a tramp on the way home.

Dim: Are you sure, Dom? I mean some of them read books, and stuff.

Dom: Dim! Dim! Dim! You really do worry too much. The British public are so stupid I can make them think anything I want them to. Remember when we got them to vote for Brexit even though they’re going to be totally fucked over by it?

Dim: Yes, that was rather good, wasn’t it. I really liked that thing you did on the side of the bus. So funny they believed it! I’ve barely stopped laughing since 2016.

Dom: Remember when we got those thick northern bastards who’ve been voting labour all their lives to vote you in as Prime Minister with a majority so big that we can totally fuck them over. They aren’t going to know their own arses from holes in the ground before we’re finished with them, Dim.

Dim: Yes, that was pretty good, too, Dom. You know what, Dom, you’re a real mate.

Dom: Thanks, Dim. Anyway, even if they do find out it won’t be any big deal.

Dim: Why’s that, Dom?

Dom: Well think about it, Dim. What can anyone do? You’re the Prime Minister with an 80 seat majority.

Dim: Ho! Ho! Very good! Take your point, Dom. They can’t do fuck all can they!

Dom: Tell you what, Dim! Let’s have some fun! Let’s start the lockdown on 23rd March, and then soon as it’s up and running, I’ll take a 260 mile trip up to Durham, take my wife out on her Birthday, and talk to as many strangers as I possibly can. I’ll get (air quotes) “accidentally” photographed or something. Someone is bound to spot me and tell the press. Then the lefty fuckers will jump all over it, and we can have a really good giggle watching them being self-righteous twats, but being able to do fuck all about it. It will be really funny, Dim!

Dim: Ho! Ho! Yes, Dom! That will be funny. You do think up the funniest ways to fuck people over. I’ve never had a friend like you before, Dom.

Dom: Even better, Dim, I just had an even better idea… this will really piss them off… After I (air quotes) “get caught out”, I’ll do like a press conference in the garden — they’ll hate that cos I’m (air quotes) “not even elected” (smirk) — and I’ll make up some lies about the whole thing that will be so ridiculous — it will fuck with their heads so badly they won’t be able to stand it.

Dim: Ooh, that sounds good, Dom. What sort of lies are you thinking of?

Dom: I’ll say something like, “I had to go to Dad’s place to get some plasters cos I scraped my knee,” or something. Or, “I had to go on the Birthday outing to test my hearing” … I don’t know exactly. I’m sure I’ll think of something totally ridiculous — we’ll still be laughing about it by the next election.

Dim: That will be so funny, Dom.

Dom: Yeah … that will be so funny, Dim.

Dim: Especially with all these people dying, Dom.

Dom: Yeah, that will make them really angry, won’t it, Dim!

Dim: Yeah, that will make them really angry. It’ll be hilarious.